Lost Planet 2: Well That Was A Bit Rubbish

lost-planet-2-box-artI’m a big fan of the original Lost Planet, and I picked up Lost Planet 2 a few months back in the hope of more of the familar giant-monster bashing, robot thrashing and emo Japanese plotting involving people with strange hairstyles. Sadly, it turned out to be rubbish.

I was aware that the sequel had been redesigned to be more of an online co-op game, but I wasn’t aware just how far the designers had gone down this route, to the point where I couldn’t actually work out how to start a single-player game from the title screen. Regular readers will probably be aware that I’m not a huge fan of online gaming, and that my Xbox Live Gold membership expired quite some time ago after I’d spent a grand total of an hour and a half online in the space of a year. Call me old fashioned, but I’m not a huge fan of being gunned down by potty-mouthed teenagers who subsequently delight in teabagging my corpse.

So far, so good. Big glowy creatures and lots of snow.
So far, so good. Big glowy creatures and lots of snow.

Anyway, eventually I worked out how to start a solo game (I think it involved selecting something obtuse like ‘start new session’), and soon I was gunning down big glowy creatures just like in the first game, although this time I had a load of computer-controlled allies helping me out. I didn’t particularly want them to help out, but there they were anyway.

On level 2 though, things took a turn for the worse. For some reason, I was now shooting oddly clothed humans instead of big glowy creatures. Apparently my band of oddly clothed humans had some sort of beef with these other oddly clothed humans, although I have no idea as to what that beef was. Certainly, it seemed to stray from the series template of shooting big glowy creatures. And also it took place in a jungle right next to a frozen tundra, which was a bit odd. It sort of reminded me of the level select screen on Lemmings 2, in which a single, dartboard-esque island contained landscapes ranging from ‘beach to ‘space’.

I never did work out how a part of the island in Lemmings 2 was in space.
I never did work out how a part of the island in Lemmings 2 was in space.

Eventually some big glowy creatures turned up, and my AI team mates killed them for me. I didn’t really want them to, but there you go.

Then on level 3 it all came crashing down. The big glowy creatures were conspicuous by their absence, and the entire level consisted of shooting oddly clothed humans for some reason I never quite gathered. I got told to protect some bit of switch thing. It all started to feel a bit like protecting a base in Call of Duty. But I didn’t want it to be like Call of Duty, I wanted it to be like Lost Planet. You know, with big glowy creatures. It became very dull. My unwanted team mates didn’t seem to be doing a very good job of protecting the switch thing, so the ‘enemy’ would often switch it back to a direction I didn’t want them to switch it to. Then I’d have to switch it back again. This continued for quite a while.

After some time I finished the level. I hovered over the ‘continue to next level’ button for a short while, but the thought of playing any more of this awful rubbish filled me with dread. I ejected the disc instead and put it straight on eBay.

How is it possible to screw up a game about shooting big glowy creatures so badly?

Why am I in a jungle now? And why are these oddly clothed men shooting at me?
Why am I in a jungle now? And why are these oddly clothed men shooting at me?

[Penned in ennui by Lucius Merriweather.]

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4 Comments

  1. I dislike squishy humans too. They are no fun at all. Call me when they start to glow and make earth shatter with a stomp of their feet. Then -maybe- I can shoot them in the face with my laser weapons.

    Also, that gratuitous Lemmings 2 screenshot in the middle of the text is a perfect touch. It’s awesome.

    Like

    1. Thanks – I’m surprised no one has commented on the similarities between Lost Planet and Lemmings before really.

      Like

    1. Sometimes more of the same is just what’s ordered – instead we got a weird online rehash that takes all the fun out of the concept.

      Like

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